The Invisible Mental Load: The Unseen Weight Held By Women
Have you heard of the invisible mental load? Also called the hidden load, in hetero cis relationships, the invisible mental load is a term for the unseen but heavily felt labor involved in managing a household and family, which typically falls on women's shoulders. Here are a few examples of ways that women are impacted by this family dynamic…
Feeling burnt out and resentful towards your partner even though the household tasks appear to be split 50/50.
Being unable to focus on work because your energy is going towards worrying about childcare, the wellbeing of your family, your to-do list, and anticipating the needs of everyone around you.
Delegating household tasks, but often ending up doing them yourself because you have “higher standards”.
Your children are constantly asking you for help/permission, not their father.
These are all experiences of the invisible mental load, which includes 3 distinct categories:
Cognitive labor
Emotional labor
Mental labor
Cognitive labor
Cognitive labor encompasses all of the practical tasks that it takes to manage a household. The logistics, you could say. Organizing the social calendar, making appointments, planning meals/shopping, assessing/delegating household chores, etc.
Cognitive labor can be especially sneaky because on the surface it may appear that both the mother and father are contributing equally if the father is completing the tasks given to him by the mother. He may dutifully do whatever is asked of him, creating the illusion that he is doing his fair share but the problem with this is that oftentimes the work required in a household will not only be assessed, planned, and organized by the mother, but also executed by her. Just because the father is doing the tasks asked of him does not mean what is being asked of him actually includes 50% of even the physical labor, let alone the cognitive labor (assessing, planning, organizing, delegating/doing).
Emotional labor
Emotional labor speaks to the emotional workload involved in a healthy family unit. Are the kids getting on at school? Are they happy/fulfilled? Is my partner stressed? Should we do weekly family meetings to check in and if so, what day/time would be best? Should I read this book about raising emotionally resilient children? Do I need to do something special for my partner to make sure our relationship is healthy? Should we all go to counseling? How much would that cost? How would that work with everyone’s schedule?
We’re exhausted just writing that!
Unfortunately, these racing thoughts are very common for mothers, and can lead to immense amounts of stress, overwhelm, and feelings of “not being good enough”. While we may always have concerns/thoughts/worries about our loved ones, perhaps it would not be so heavy on a woman’s shoulders if this responsibility was shared between the mother and father equally. If the mother knew that she was not the only one concerning herself with these matters, she may be able to create the space in her life to focus on other things (like her own wellbeing, work, hobbies), trusting that the father will take the initiative to do his share of the emotional labor.
Mental labor
Lastly, but possibly the most exhausting of the three, is mental labor. Mental labor is the combination of cognitive and emotional labor. It’s the responsibility of assessing, considering, organizing, and anticipating all aspects of creating a happy and healthy home, as well as how everything works together so that life can flow easily.
Consider this quote from an article on BBC: ”The hidden load: How 'thinking of everything' holds mums back”;
“In fact, Daminger identified four clear stages of mental work related to household responsibilities: anticipating needs, identifying options, deciding among the options and then monitoring the results. Mothers did more in all four stages, her research showed; while parents often made decisions together, mothers did more of the anticipation, planning and research. In other words, fathers were informed when it came to decisions, but mothers put in the legwork around them.”
So why is this happening and what can we do about it?
There are so many reasons that this family dynamic has become commonplace, including but not limited to:
Societal gender roles pushed onto us from birth
Untrue assumptions about the inherent biological abilities of men vs. women (“women are naturally better multi-taskers/planners, have more emotional capacity”, etc)
The nature of the workforce landscape for men vs. women (typically men working more rigid jobs with longer hours and women finding jobs with more flexibility)
These significant obstacles certainly aren’t any individual’s fault, mother or father, but it is our responsibility to change the narrative of our lives if we so choose.
Women can start changing this dynamic by, well… stopping. Stop taking on more than your fair share with the knowledge that in the short-term this may be uncomfortable for you and your family, but will ultimately benefit everyone in the long run. When people are forced to confront the consequences of their own actions (or lack thereof), that is often when they learn, grow, and change. This is boundary setting 101! When you stop sacrificing your time, mental space, and physical energy, you will be able to rest and experience more joy in your life.
“Rest is, quite simply, when you stop using a part of you that’s used up, worn out, damaged, or inflamed, so that it has a chance to renew itself.”
― Emily Nagoski, Burnout: The Secret to Unlocking the Stress Cycle
For men, education and awareness is a great place to start. Don’t ask your wife to tell you what she needs, or what to read, or how you can do your fair share. Take the initiative to learn more about the invisible load, assess your household/family needs, and take action to make sure those needs are met in a complete and impactful way.
Finally, we want to be clear that although this dynamic is the most common in hetero cis relationships, it isn’t present in all hetero cis relationships. Remember that we are all a result of the society, culture, and family structures that we grew up in and no one is perfect. Give yourself grace and patience as you unlearn patterns that no longer serve you.